(100-word flash fiction)
Sharp slivers of pain slash into his chest. His breath grows ragged.
He looks sideways at his grandson. The 10-year-old is rapturously immersed in the steeplechase ride.
“Exactly how we felt,” they say, “each time you put a bullet into our chest.”
Despite the pain, he is amazed he is hearing voices above the din.
“You’re going through the stab of death each one of us felt.”
It dawns on him the voices are in his head.
“You’re going to be abjectly helpless.”
The pain reaches a crescendo. The ride, the voices, his heart, all stop at the same time.
***
Apologies for not responding to your comments on my last post. Work has been busy leading up to Christmas. Thank you Rochelle for yet another excellent prompt for Friday Fictioneers 😊
PHOTO PROMPT © Roger Bultot
CLICK FROG FOR ADMISSION
Just Joyfulness 
I wonder whether time wouldn’t expand for him at this moment, like the event horizon of a black hole
It might. Who knows what happens when death nears. Nice thought!
Wow! Great imagining of the last painful thoughts of a bad man, it seems. And ironic that his grandson is oblivious beside him.
Thanks Trish. He was indeed a criminal. The juxtaposition of the boy and the man brought to mind the fact that everyone is once upon a time innocent but life’s choices turn some into criminals.
Great last line, Joy. So much energy, then nothing.
Thanks Tannille. I had to wrestle with the muse like you do sometimes, but it gave me something in the end. In the end, that’s what we all end as, the ride and then nothing 🙂
Dear Joy,
Intense piece…if not painful.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Thanks Rochelle 🙂
The voices got their revenge in the end. Good story.
Thanks Iain. Can we escape our past, especially the bad deeds? I guess not.
That’s a killer of a last line. Well done.
Thanks for the punny compliment Sandra 😀
A soldier or a killer, who knows, but I feel for the grandson
I know, the little chap is going to have some sad memories.
This is great!
Thanks a lot Tina.
Mysterious and multi-layered mixing up present and past at the moment of death. Ambitious! Well done!
Thanks for the wonderful compliment Penny. I guess a bad past always catches up.
A great deal of emotion and tension is so few words, culminating in a brutal yet powerful last line. Very well done!
Thank you kind lady, for the wonderful compliment!
You give a provocative spin on the afterlife, Jolly. Maybe we spend it with those we’ve harmed along the way! Good storytelling, Jolly. Take it easy at work, my friend.
Thanks, Lisa, for the wonderful compliment. We hardly think of those we’ve harmed, do we? I have my own business, so need to put in the hours during a busy season 🙂 Taking a break over Christmas.
You’re very welcome. So true. Aha!
Wow. You’ve made every word count. So well done!
Thanks a lot for the wonderful compliment, Sascha 🙂
Wow. What a great take on the prompt. Hard to feel bad for him, though I do for his grandson…
Thanks a lot Dale. Maybe it will serve as a lesson for his grandson.
🙂
His wrongdoings surrounded him and sent him on his way. A powerful piece indeed.
Thanks Keith 🙂
I wonder if he was a soldier or a nastier sort of chap. The “helplessness” makes me think the latter. I feel sorry for the grandson, not knowing his past, finishing the ride only to find his grandad dead next to him 😦
Good spotting! Yes the helplessness was meant to indicate that he had his victims in a vulnerable state not able to escape.
Wow. He must have been a very bad guy, but still seems to enjoy his grandson. Amazing story.
Thanks Linda 🙂
a day of reckoning for him. he’d finally meet those that he had caused harm.
Yes. Not very pleasant 🙂
Very well written, JJ. You’ve managed to insinuate his evil deeds along with his humanity.
Thanks for the lovely compliment, Nobbin 🙂
Superb portrayal of payback as a bitch!
Thanks for the high praise CE 🙂
What a way to go. As in most rides, what goes around . . .
Very true!!!
Something has come back to get him…Could be the enigmatic opening for a longer story that tells us why he ended up here. Powerful writing.
You have a point. I hadn’t thought about that! I must say delving into the mind of a criminal might get me into a depressed state. 😦 Thanks for the compliment 🙂
Oy. Even criminals shouldn’t be subjected to this, IMO. Or we’re not a whole lot better than they … Then again … one can hope this was done metaphorically …
What? You mean criminals shouldn’t have heart attacks? Why?
Ah, of course they can have heart attacks … just as long as those aren’t deliberately caused by others …
Oh no! The voices were the ghosts of his victims or his conscience suddenly awake, or the Grim Reaper 🙂
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOh, okay then! 😉 I don’t object to conscience, no matter how late in the game it decides to move back in … 😉
🙂 Some people have a heart change when death is near, I believe.
A bit late, but I guess perhaps better than never …
Visceral. The present tense really gives a sense of immediacy.
I wrote it in the past tense and felt it didn’t feel right and changed to present tense. Glad you noticed 🙂